I think I had a realization today that my life has made a completely drastic turn and from this point forward, it's going to be so very very different...but I'll go more into that in a later post. For now, my travels:
A lot of people said I was crazy for deciding to make the 2,438 mile trek to Chicago via train instead of plane. Well, 52 hours, 4 microwaved sandwiches, 6 diet cokes, 2 flasks of whisky and a fun sized cabernet sauvignon later, I can agree. I am fucking crazy.
But it was all worth it.
In case you don’t know me very well, then you’d know that I seem to have a penchant for doing stuff just for the sheer hell of it. And why not? I love telling others “how many people can say that they…”
But yeah, why, when traveling across this long of a distance would I decide to take the road (literally) less traveled and go on a trip that lasts 10 times as long as it would if I had flown instead? Cause getting there is half the fun, to quote Clark Griswold (who? Never mind.) I mean, I could have paid a few extra dollars, I could’ve spared another day at home, I could’ve put on my headphones, gone to sleep, and wake up 5 hours later in a different state. But then I wouldn’t have been able to see Nebraska. And that would have been a tragedy.
The Amtrak “California Zephyr” which travels from the San Francisco Bay Area to Chicago has often been called one of the most popular and scenic train routes in the United States, passing through the Rocky Mountains and California’s historic Donner Pass. I can attest to that. Yes, it is indeed. There are majestic mountains, mighty rivers, and historic natural landmarks:
But for every amazing view, there’s a whole lot of this:
That’s right. Turns out a lot of the western half of America is full of barren deserts, endless snow plains, and empty cornfields. In other words, I never realized that there is a whole lot of nothing in between California and the rest of the country. Well, I did realize it. I just had to see for myself, and in doing so have reaffirmed the fact that I should never visit Iowa again. Davis and Sacramento have got nothing on the cow-town-ness of Nebraska and Iowa, to quote my tweet (seriously, if you don’t have a twitter already, you really should get one!)
Maybe it just means that train tracks run through these boring and empty places on purpose. No one wants to live near a passing train (but maybe Mr. John Deere shirt and NRA cap-wearing with the Bible in his hand might think otherwise).
Needless to say, I had to find something to pass the time while I would ride through the (very often bare) buttcrack of America. So what did I do? Watch movies! I purposely held back on watching a lot of the movies I had downloaded recently, for the purpose of this trip alone:
Religulous: Funny man Bill Mahr calls into question and attempts to compromise the religions of people all over the world (and he picks on everybody!) Spoiler alert: he doesn’t succeed.
W.: A sort of biopic/reimagining of the life and coming of age of our 43rd president, which really focuses more on his relationship with his father than on his actual presidency and legacy. Spoiler alert: George Bush wins the election in 2000.
Zack and Miri Make a Porno: Turned off after 20 minutes for the lack of actual funny jokes. Maybe I didn’t give it enough time, but the problem was that I could tell when they were trying to be funny, but it just wasn’t. You disappoint me, Seth Rogan.
I Am Legend: The last living man on Earth attempts to find cure for a disease that has already wiped out the rest of the world’s population anyway. Spoiler alert: the adorable dog dies. Kinda wished it was Will Smith that was killed first.
Lars and the Real Girl: Awkward loner Lars falls in love and has actual conversations/arguments with sex doll he orders online, while oblivious to the fact his coworker and his doctor is soo hitting on him. Overall good movie, but seriously, the best part is the shocked look on his brother’s and sister-in-law’s faces when they finally meet Bianca, the doll. Spoiler alert: the doll dies, somehow.
The Day the Earth Stood Still: Keanu Reeves plays every role he has ever been in, this time in alien form. Came to destroy the Earth for some weakly explained environmental reason, and decides at the last minute (literally) to change his mind after he sees some mom argue with her stepson. Kathy Bates is Secretary of Defense and John Cleese is a physics professor. Who the fuck did the casting for this movie? Spoiler alert: as adorable as he is, you will want Jaden Smith to die in this movie. I take that back, Jaden Smith is too annoying to be adorable in this movie.
Role Models: Stopped watching after I realized the bootleg copy I have of it cuts off the whole right side of the screen.
Milk: San Francisco gay activist Harvey Milk’s political career is followed, leading up to his assassination by the same guy who plays George Bush in W. How about that? Spoiler alert: Sean Penn wins Best Actor. Too late?
Aside from all the things I did to pass the time that seemed to pass by very slowly, I’ll say it was a fairly good experience I had the past three days. I’ve met and ran into lots of interesting people, saw a lot of scenery that most people would never view, and found a legitimate excuse to not shower or change clothes and sit, watch movies, read, and play video games for 3 days straight.
But don’t ask me to ever do it again.
“Hello everyone and welcome to the East-Bound California Zephyr on Amtrak. My name is Johnny, and I will be your lounge conductor for the duration of your trip. Down here in the lounge we’ve got a variety of assorted foods, such as quarter pound cheeseburgers, piping hot pizza, all beef hot dogs, hot and cold turkey and swiss or ham and swiss sandwiches, Italian and Chicken breast hoagies and your choice of ice cold beer and or wine. Bloody Marys and Screwdrivers are in effect. Oh, and good morning everyone.”
-Johnny C, the lounge conductor and snack bar worker. This was the speech he gave after every single stop, and with 35 stops, well, you get the idea.
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